Dictionary For Dads

Single Parents strive constantly to do well by their children. Single Parents make great efforts, moment by moment and day by day.  Single Parents are real heroes in many cases they never give up and never stop trying new ways to balance so much responsibility. Furthermore single parents never pay much attention to their needs but frequently worry about how our children are doing.

Single Parents make constant effort to parent, without much chance to stand back and say, "Gee, it's going well!" "Isn't she going to turn out nicely!" "How strong and loving he is!" "They're bound to turn out just fine!" Matter of fact, single parents can't say that they are ever really sure that their children are going to be fine. And some of the time, Single Parents can't say that they are going to survive and be fine, either! Single Parents push forward so often on low energy, little information, not much help, and too little patience because they are burdened with a lot of stress.

We Have Reason to be Pleased

Here are a few of the things I think it helps to remember, in order to be pleased with your selves at the end of the day. Parenting is hard work. It's wonderful, deeply moving, really challenging, and difficult because:

• we're expecting perfection of ourselves in a situation in which we haven't been trained, coached, mentored, or assisted.

• it takes a lot of attention to stay flexible and patient with a young child for even a couple of hours.

• there are no "second string" players to call in when we, the primary players, are worn or sick or don’t know what to do.

• children have lots of feelings every day, and very few of us grownups have ever been clued in as to what to do with human emotion. Our only training has been to suppress feelings, and that tactic doesn't work well with children, or with us. Feelings come squirting out anyhow!

• our children have very high expectations of us and of life in general. We sense those high expectations, meet them as often as we can, and feel badly when we hit a hard patch.

• most of us didn't get the quality of attention and generosity that we're trying to give to our children.

• You deserve help. Don't stop working to organize it! Family, friends, other parents of young children all can provide a welcome break, or a word of encouragement about how your child is doing.

• You don't deserve anyone's criticism. Spoken and unspoken judgment can weigh on our hearts and minds, and wear us down over time.

• You deserve time to debrief. Single Parenting takes a lot of thought and emotional effort. Find a friend or supporter that will listen to you, even if all you say is "I’m so tired!" over and over, it will help. When our thoughts and feelings stay trapped inside our minds, they eat up our energy and keep us concentrated on our troubles. Saying what's on your mind, and showing the feelings you control all day long, is a big relief! Split 20 minutes of listening time with someone who can actually let you talk uninterrupted, and who will keep an attitude of respect for you throughout, no matter what your thoughts or feelings are. It makes a difference!

• You may need to address exhaustion. When you're so tired that resting doesn't really refresh you, you've become exhausted. At that point, it's hard to do anything but march in place, getting the most necessary things done. Your ability to solve problems creatively is at low ebb. What helps an exhausted parent is to try to relax near someone who cares, and to have that person be quiet and "watch over" you, while you either talk, or sleep, or just say how tired you are, over and over, and how hard it is to be that tired.
  
• Exhaustion means that feelings, usually of isolation or too little hope or no one really caring, are mixed in with the tiredness. Having someone care and help you process the emotional load you are experiencing is very helpful.  For some of us, the person we can call on is a partner, or perhaps a brother or sister, or a really good friend. For some, the relief of being alone after the children have gone to bed brings that sense of protected time, for others, a beloved pet, and for many, remembering a divine being.

• As long as we feel some love and caring coming toward us while we rest, we're on our way out of exhaustion. To set up this kind of respite time, we need to ask for exactly what we want--no one comes along to say, "You rest and I'll watch over things, and guard you for an hour." Perhaps friends should know to help with the exhaustion of hard working parents, but most people are shy to offer, or caught up in their own sagas. So we need to invite them to help. And we need not be to proud or fearful of asking for help when we need it.
  

Seeing The Big Picture

Many of our parents improved greatly on the parenting job their parents did, and their parents improved on the  parenting job done by their parents.... We often can't see the long-range success we're creating in our parenting effort that we're part of. So parenting can feel really hard at times.

And still, it's the wonderful sweet center of our lives, and our love. Our children love us deeply, long to be with us, and see how special we are. They beckon us into play and fun that we wouldn't otherwise think to have. They give us permission to be silly, to be sweet, to be tender. They give us permission to love without limit, and we do. They thrive on our attention lessons, examples and love. The relationships we build with them are simply precious.

Article Content Submitted By: Patty Wipfler at Hand in Hand  http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

edited by Corinne Galliano and Kevin Kelly