Dictionary For Dads

Dating is never easy. From the first stomach churning junior prom date to the more mature and intentional dating that leads to marriage, dating can be an extraordinary combination of excitement and extreme happiness coupled with self doubt, disappointment, and anxiety. And, the ultimate goal of dating, which is a long term, committed relationship is often derailed by a bitter divorce.

Many single dads bypass the emotional roller coaster of dating, especially when they have the primary responsibility of raising their children. Life after divorce or death of a spouse is more complex on every level especially when it comes to finding and enjoying a strong relationship with a new partner who not only rounds out you as a couple, but also has the potential to be a good stepmother to your kids.

Men are linear and sequential thinkers, so just as they approach a project like finding a new job, buying a new car, or building a house with step by step research and planning, there's a strong case to be be made for applying those same logical skills to dating. Without losing the romantic side, it is possible for single dads to enjoy fulfilling and meaningful dating experiences that lead to building happy, healthy and sustainable relationships. Even with the emotional trauma of divorce that can leave men feeling flawed, drained, inadequate, fearful and gun shy, a new, conscious approach to dating may be the answer to living life to the fullest while being an effective single dad.  

Here's what we know with some important and logical questions added into the mix:

• Dating as a single dad after divorce or death of a spouse can be exciting. A new adult relationship can create positive energy that brings not only love and affection that everyone craves, but also the joy of connecting that increases overall feelings of well being and contentment.  It's always more fulfilling to share experiences, new and old, with someone you care about. Even the most dedicated and child centered dads requires a meaningful adult relationship to keep them energized, social and balanced.
• Dating as a single dad after divorce or death of a spouse can be scary. In addition to the normal emotional roller coaster of dating, there is the backdrop of emotional memory of loss, divorce, unresolved conflicts or ongoing resentment and/or morning that can influence any new relationships.
• How do I protect  my kids and myself from more loss if the relationship doesn't go well? Why risk more hurt? How can I insure it will have a good outcome? Is it better to date someone with kids or someone without kids? Am I really ready to date?

The Challenges

Dating as a single dad after divorce or death of a spouse is challenging. The challenges are emotional, physical, social, financial and include issues around values, attitudes and parenting. Instead of having to think about just two people in a relationship, single dad dating must include:

• the child and his/her emotional stability
  
• integrating busy and often conflicting schedules.
  
• When is the right time to tell the kids and/or then introduce them to a new partner?
  
• What do I do to make this as healthy and normal for my kids as possible?
  
• How do I keep my parenting focus?
  
• How do I balance dating with co parenting and work?
  
• How can I tell if the new person will be good around my kids?
  
• How will we all adjust?
  
• How will I know?

Build a relationship plan like you would plan before building a new home; because that is essentially what you are doing. Use your learned experiences from previous relationships as well as the values that are important to you as a single dad. You must start with building a strong foundation, you can not put the roof on first.  Consider all of the other individuals you will need support from to get this project don and are they available to do this project at this time (children, babysitters, potential dating partner). Also consider the overall impact on the environment or in this case your family before you move forward.

• identify what you want from a relationship and clarify your values, interests and issues around parenting, work, finances, and household responsibilities.
  
• Write down the mistakes you want to avoid and the red flags you may have a tendency to ignore when you really want a relationship to work out.
  
• Most importantly, try to vision or get a clear picture of the type of relationship you are looking for and remember this should all be done with your child's best interest at heart.
• The first step is knowing what you’re looking for, the next step is finding it.
  

Summary

Dating as a single dad after divorce or death of a spouse can be pleasurable and rewarding. It takes self awareness, education and moving logically, step by step. But it's worth it if the result is a happy, healthy, sustainable committed relationship for you and your children.For more guidance, insight and answers to important questions for single dads dating after divorce, join a FREE Step Dating Teleseminar on January 22, 2009  hosted by Yvonne Kelly, Founder of  The Step and Blended Family Institute and David Steele, best selling author of “Conscious Dating“ and Founder of The Relationship Coaching Institute You can find out more about this Tele-seminar by clicking here   

Article in part submitted by S. Berg