Dictionary For Dads

Under the law, "child sexual abuse" is an blanket term describing any criminal and civil offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification. The American Psychiatric Association states that "children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults",and condemns any such action by an adult: "An adult who engages in sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior."

Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which a child is abused for the sexual gratification of an adult or older adolescent/teenager. In addition to direct sexual contact, child sexual abuse also occurs when an adult indecently exposes their private body parts to a child, asks or pressures a child to engage in any sexual activities, displays pornography to a child, or uses a child to produce child pornography.

Effects of child sexual abuse include depression,post-traumatic stress disorder,anxiety, anger, violence, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, propensity to re-victimization in adulthood,and physical injury to the child, among other problems. Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest.

As a sex crimes prosecutor in New York City with over a decade of experience, I know all too well the sad facts.  Despite the fact that no parent believes their child is going to be victimized, statistics show that one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood.  Worse yet, without being taught that his or her body has boundaries, a child may be too young to understand that sex abuse is wrong, and thus sex abuse continues and often escalates.

My pediatrician, well respected and from a large prominent practice, offered little guidance.  Despite having a comprehensive website that provided valuable information about positive parenting and nutritional health, it was silent on this important subject.  When I asked him about this during one of my daughter’s appointments, he told me that as soon as she had basic communication skills and was old enough to be out of my site, I should have a conversation with her.  He said, “Tell her that the parts covered up by her bathing suit are private and that no one should touch them.”  While I thought this was sound advice, I didn’t feel I could speak to her without more information tools and guidelines.  What if I messed it up?  What if I scared her? 

After I met with her doctor, I went to the children’s library in New York City (one of the largest in the country) and asked the librarian for all their books on talking to children about “good touch/bad touch.”  The woman disappeared and returned five minutes later with a stack of books on the “sense of touch” – you can touch hard things and soft things, etc.  Clearly the librarian did not understand me.  I tried again.  I told her I wanted to have a discussion with my three-year-old about the fact that no one should be touching her private parts.  A look of acknowledgment came over the librarian’s face and this time she returned with six books.  I read through each of them.  The majority of which was written in the early 1990s and they were geared toward twelve-year-olds.  Certainly they were far too advanced for my soon to be three-year-old.  My search of the Internet proved equally futile.

These experiences coupled with my professional expertise motivated me to write My Body Belongs to Me.  As a prosecutor, I have often encountered children who were sexually abused for lengthy periods of time and suffered in silence. Years earlier I prosecuted the case of a 9-year-old girl who had been raped by her stepfather since she was 6.  She told no one.  One day, the girl saw an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" about children who were physically abused.  The episode, "Tortured Children," empowered the girl with this simple message: If you are being abused, tell your parents. If you can’t tell your parents, go to school and tell your teacher.  The girl got the message and the very next day went to school and told her teacher.  The defendant was convicted after trial and is now serving a lengthy prison sentence.

I have thought often of that very sweet, very brave 9-year-old girl.  It occurred to me that after three painful years, all it took to end her nightmare was a TV program encouraging her to "tell a teacher."  I wrote My Body Belongs to Me to continue that message.  It endeavors to teach children that they don’t have to endure abuse in silence.

Geared toward 3-10 year-olds, this book, with an easy rhyme and attractive pictures is an excellent tool to facilitate a dialogue about sexual abuse.  It makes children aware that when it comes to their bodies, there are boundaries.  It assures them that it’s OK to tell a parent or teacher if someone touches their “private parts.”  The overriding message of My Body Belongs to Me is that if someone touches you, tell.  Just as we teach youngsters what to do in case of fire, we must teach them what to do if someone touches them inappropriately.  The book also includes a section that provides tips for parents and educators on how to approach this delicate subject. 

I am extremely pleased that many child sexual abuse prevention experts as well as parents and teachers have endorsed this much needed new publication.  It is my hope that by educating girls and boys about this taboo subject, My Body Belongs to Me will prevent them from becoming victims in the first place.  With or without the aid of this book, I urge you to talk to your sons and daughters about child sexual abuse prevention when they are young.  It is one of the most important gifts you will ever give them

Written  and submitted to DFD for publication by Jill Starishevsky, mother of two and prosecutor of child abuse and sex crimes in New York City.  My Body Belongs to Me is available on-line at http://www.mybodybelongstome.com/ and will be in stores by Fall 2009.

Physical Signs. A child may have trouble sitting or standing, or have stained, bloody or torn underclothes. Swelling, bruises, or bleeding in the genital area is a red flag. An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14, is a strong cause of concern.

Behavioral Signs: Does the child display knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior? A child might appear to avoid another person, or display unusual behavior- either being very aggressive or very passive. Older children might resort to destructive behaviors to take away the pain, such as alcohol or drug abuse, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts.

Perpetrator Signs: The abuser may seem to be unusually controlling and protective of the child, limiting contact with other children and adults. Again, as with other types of abuse, sometimes the abuser does not give outward signs of concern. This does not mean the child /victim is lying or exaggerating. 

Dictionary For Dads feels it is your responsibility as a citizen and as a human being to report all suspected child abuse including neglect, psychological, verbal, physical or sexual abuse. If you are aware of a parent who is abusing drugs and or alcohol this is often a tell tale sign of neglect or abuse. However, many individuals are reluctant or afraid to get involved in other families’ lives. However, by reporting, you can make a tremendous difference in the life of a child and the child’s family, especially if you help stop the abuse early.  Early identification and treatment can help mitigate the long-term effects of abuse. If the abuse is stopped and the child receives competent treatment, the abused child can begin to regain a sense of self-confidence and trust. Some parents may also benefit from support, parent training and anger management.

Reporting is Anonymous: In most states, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot find out who made the report of child abuse.

If you have a feeling that something is wrong with a child do not rationalize the signs and symptoms report it! When it comes to the life of an innocent child it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks of the system.

To get help in the U.S., call:
1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) – Child help National Child Abuse Hotline