Dictionary For Dads

Fathers sometimes get a raw deal, with the pressure to earn a living coupled with a sense that if they don't provide negative consequences will occur to their spouse and children. Fathers who are the primary earner in the home live in a society in which the lack of any safety net for families translates to a feeling of desperation and anxiety for many Fathers.

When work or relationships must be maintained in a  desperate stressful way exhaustion is not far behind. Long hours at work, worry, high expectations and lack of time management coupled with our fragile employment and uncertain economy all make it harder to be involved, enthusiastic and fine time to properly develop an emotional and physical bond with our children.  It's also hard to think independently about ourselves not only as fathers but as men and what we want to do with our lives.  This leaves little room for personal growth and goal achievement.

We recommend that fathers socialize and talk openly with other fathers. Many fathers we have interviewed state this allowed them to gain a new perspective and passion in their parenting roles and personal lives. Listening to other Dads talk about parenting and about what's important to them is a first step to climbing out of a sense of living strictly under obligation and stress. Hearing how life is for other Dads can help bring a new perspective, new techniques and stress management skills to the situations at hand.

Getting a chance to say what your highest hopes are for your relationship with your children and your partner can help lift a trudging spirit. And seeing how diligent other Fathers are and how valiantly they struggle to achieve their goals as they develop, nurture and maintain a loving, attentive, supportive personal relationship with their children.

One point that's important to clarify is that fathers are absolutely necessary parents. Children want, need, and love their Daddies. Some children grow up without the benefit of a Dad, and they manage but know that whatever your parenting or marital circumstance is your child wants you to be part of their life.

What helps children grow close are simple things any Dad can do, if he has been clued in to the secret!

• Your children love play, especially physical play. So you can get down on the floor and pillow fight,wrestle, or play hide and seek. If you are careful to always lose (maybe not by much--children love a good contest), to let them have the final victory, and if you are careful not to overwhelm them with your strength in play, they will laugh and find all kinds of ways to "get" you. The more they laugh, the closer they'll feel to you. Joy and love are built during play times like these.

• Your children want you to listen to their feelings, not to correct them. When children have played all-out, they feel safe enough to bring up heavy emotions. This is a golden opportunity. They are falling apart over some seemingly small issue: you said that play is over now, or you said they have to put their seat belt on, or they don't like what's being served for dinner. What you need to remember, in order to build closeness with your child, is that she wants you to listen while she cries! If you can love her, touch her gently, say little, and stand by whatever limit you have set ("I'm sorry, but you do have to put on your seat belt"), she will get the bad feelings out, and will notice that you simply loved her even while she was feeling desperate or mad or sad. It's this kind of listening that helps children feel like you are on their side forever. This kind of listening puts love in right at the most crucial time--when your child feels undone and vulnerable. All you have to do is to be kind and patient. Your child will show you more closeness and trust when she has finished her cry or her tantrum.

• Your children want your life to be good. You working too hard and having no one to talk with about what matters to you keeps you remote from your child. Children often say they want the latest expensive toy or clothing, or feel like when the TV breaks, it has to be fixed right away. But saying no to some material things (and hearing your child's full cry about how life can't be lived without the latest "thing") so that you can be in your family's life more is a huge gift to your child and yourself. Go ahead and set limits that you think make sense, limits that allow your life to be good, too.

Submitted by P. Wipfler Hand in Hand Parenting