Dictionary For Dads

The Holidays, today’s catchword for the celebrations from Thanksgiving to New Year, can evoke the most bittersweet emotions in some families. On the one hand, there is the Hallmark ideal of the warm, happy family, bathed in the glow of love and togetherness. On the other hand, the emotionally charged reality is often quite different, especially for financially stressed, single parent or blended families, juggling multiple schedules with time and financial constraints, trying to please everyone. The Holidays can be tense, stressful, expensive, and sadly, disappointing especially if you do not have a comprehensive holiday plan.. As with any important event, advance planning will ease some of the conflict and tension, clearing the way for families to remember the reason for the season as they enjoy relatively stress- free, happy, and memorable family celebrations.

Schedules become so jam-packed during the Holiday season it’s important to start planning as soon as you can. Clarify and confirm who is going to be where and when, and write down all the details so everyone knows the plans in advance, especially the children. Email is a perfect vehicle for keeping everyone in the loop. If air travel is involved, make sure tickets are booked well ahead to avoid disappointment or undue expenses. Scheduling conflicts can be resolved ahead of time rather than at the last minute when they tend to cause anger and stress. Once basic details are finalized more time can be spent discussing and planning the fun stuff such as meals, shopping, gift giving, and getting together with friends and family.

Plan to be flexible, especially with teenagers who may have work or exam conflicts that can disrupt pre- set visitation. Every parent wants to spend the “Actual Day “ with their kids, but if this is not possible be creative with alternatives and remember, these are just days and can be replaced by other days with the same level of commitment to the season. Some families have been known to host Christmas in July to avoid the “Actual Day” stress. Compromising relieves tension for children caught in the middle of extreme Holiday scheduling.

Plan gift giving so that both parents are on the same page as far as budget and gift list are concerned. See our page on the Family Holiday Bailout plan for more details. Competition between parents and grandparents about who can buy the most expensive or outlandish gifts should be discouraged. Plan an equitable division of the gift list and stick to it. Help kids plan and present home-made or inexpensive gifts to the other parent in the spirit of Holiday giving.  

Start your own family traditions and rituals around the Holidays so that each celebration has special meaning distinct from the pre-divorce family. Make sure that all the kids are involved creating the new traditions and encourage simple and inexpensive activities such as making a special dessert, taking a particular walk, or singing a song, reading a story, or playing a silly board game.

For separated/divorced families if it is not your time to be with your children on the Actual Day make plans to be with family or friends so that you won’t be at loose ends. Let the kids know your plans so that they won’t worry about you while they are celebrating with the other parent. Plan to call on the Actual Day and express how excited you are about the kids enjoying themselves. Talk about how you will celebrate together the next time you see each other.

The Holidays are a special time for celebrating and reconnecting with family and everyone looks forward to good food, fun activities, and excitement. With forward planning your family's Holiday season can be a warm and loving family celebration that kids will remember and cherish always. Happy Holidays.

1. Revise your expectations. Expecting everything to go as planned and everyone to behave as you hoped will set you up for disappointment. Reasonable expectations will ensure minimal frustration.

2. Cooperate with your co-parent to minimize conflict. Coordinate schedules with important dates and activities on a shared calendar available at http://www.google.com. Be flexible and mindful that modeling reasonable, generous, and responsible behavior is one of the best gifts you can give your children.

3. Plan a budget for yourself and agree on a gift budget with your co-parent to avoid overspending which is the biggest cause of stress post Holiday Season.

4. Ask for help when you need it. Hosting Holiday gatherings and taking responsibility for planning and organizing gift and food shopping can be exhausting, thankless, and a feeding ground for resentment. Let other people pitch in.

5. Be a good guest. If you and your kids are invited to celebrate at another home, make sure you monitor your kids so that they respect the host's property and possessions. A follow-up thank you note is always appreciated.

6. Establish your own healthy traditions and rituals so that your family creates distinct memories of your special Holiday Season. Involve the kids and keep it simple.Thanksgiving History

7. Schedule a family meeting to plan the Holiday Season for your family. Plan for meals, making home made gifts, baking cookies, shopping expeditions, and any other tradition or ritual unique to your family. Remember to not go overboard with fatty foods and sugars for your children

8. If you can't be with your kids on the traditional day of celebration, plan to be with other family or friends so your kids won't worry about you. Call them to share in their joy. If it is your day to be with the kids, encourage them to call the other parent if you are not residing or celebrating with them to share the happiness of the Season.

9. Avoid hot topics at family gatherings. Every family has hot button issues, and blended families may have more than most. These can turn a festive family celebration into a fiasco. Save it for another time and resist being drawn in by other family members who may want to settle scores. Alcohol consumption can fuel unpleasant exchanges around the Holidays so be aware of your drinking and others.

10. Enjoy yourself and your family. Be aware you're creating life long memories of a special time so be inclusive, warm, cooperative, and moderate. Over the top spending and celebrating sends an unhealthy message to kids about what is really important about the Holiday Season.  Remember, the Season is about giving, not buying.

Article contributions submitted by: Shena Berg,M.Ed for publication.

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