Dictionary For Dads

The norm in families is an expectation that the family will be together in good times and in bad. All family systems are not equal and all family members do not invest equal amounts of commitment into their family system. The family as a unit has a commitment to each other which includes respect, understanding, support, and at times sacrifice. Members of a healthy family share the level of commitment and as a result these members experience a sense of trust, belonging, and unity. They solve problems together and look toward the future; this gives the family and each member purpose and direction.

Family commitment is characterized by giving time and energy to the family on a regular basis and by supporting independent relationships and outside goals of each family member. Strong families make choices about what activities are important to them as a unit. This is a balancing act and each member should be able to express themselves, be respected and have the option to bow out of the unit if they so desire without being criticized, judged, or penalized by the family majority. There should be no tolerance for triangulation of relationships and each member should have independent relationships with each other that is not dependent on a third person.

Commitment does not mean the family overtakes the individual. Strong families know that family members will grow and develop individual identities. They affirm and appreciate positive qualities, and encourage and support each other.

The goal of communication in a family is to maintains positive, healthy relationships and to provides support and stability to the family unit.

• Good communication includes listening to verbal and nonverbal messages.                                                                                      
• Each member displays understanding through listening  and asking questions when they do not understand whats communicated.              
•  Family members should mean what they and say what they mean... Just don’t say it mean.                                                                                         
  
• Members should be honest and reflect on their own experiences when it will be beneficial for the other family member they are listening to           
• Good communication involves being specific about what you need or expect from others family members.   

Family Conflict is an emotional disagreement and/or an attempt to force anther family member to agree with your point of view.

All families have conflict!

Healthy families deal with conflict quickly and directly by using effective communication and problem solving skills.

• Each family member should have their own point of view and be able to express it.
• Adopt a win-win model where both people will benefit.
• Family members simply just need to learn how to agree to disagree.                         
• Focus on one thing at a time.                  
• Resolve the small problems before going onto more difficult issues.
• Move quickly beyond arguing to negotiation.
• Practice problem-solving skills to negotiate a solution.
• No ganging up on any member of family.
• Do not represent another members interest that’s their job.
• Do not shield or protect members from the truth.

The goal in a conflict dispute is to reach an agreement. An agreement is when all family members agrees to share the changes, whether they like it or not. It also means, to give up any further discussion of the issue unless new factors that where not considered come into play.

Researchers have found that healthy families eat, play, work, and share outside activities together. Healthy families celebrate traditions that enrich a sense of value in family life and build memories.

• Time with supportive people nurtures positive self-identity in individuals and reduces feelings of isolation.

• Strong families spend meaningful time together and they do this often.                                                                                               
• Family members should cut down on outside activities to reserve time together on a regular basis.                                                                                                
• Time together gives the family an identity and a sense of unity.                   

Family rules help a family to set boundaries that everyone needs to respect and follow. Rules contribute to all family members in developing discipline and  behaviors which are essential for cohabiting with each other.  Teachers in classroom, have ground rules to get their children to behave in a well manner, and to avoid accidents. These classroom rules are the only mechanism many teachers have to control the many young children in their classrooms at once. Without these rules their would be total chaos.  In developing Family Rules we must first consider their function and purpose. Usually rules are developed based on safety, purpose and moral values. 

There are two types of Family rules at home - fixed or flexible.  Fixed rules cannot be changed and they are non-negotiable. Flexible rules can be changed according to situation.  For example, we change certain rules accordingly to accommodate our child’s age or school activities.  Most of the time, we have two set of rules at home - both fixed and flexible rules.

It is recommended to involve all family members in the discussion of setting family rules.  Allow children to speak out and listen to their opinion or point of view.  Involve all family members to  show that your parenting style is liberal and everyone is given a chance to speak out if he/she disagree with certain rules. Parents are likely to face some disagreements and differences. Young children who are  involved in the family discussion observe how to deal with difficult situations.  Therefore, parents should be careful with their actions and words during this process. Children will also develop a stronger sense of belonging in the family as they are involved in the discussion.  Children develop positive self-esteem when they are accepted and their point of views are respected and valued.

Involving all family members in the discussion and setting of family rules also enable all family members to make a verbal commitment to each other to abide by the family rules.  Children therefore learn to respect rules at home, school and then rules of the whole nation.  In addition, Family rules help them to develop self-control and self-discipline.

The rules that we want to set in the family should be constructive and realistic. Family rules should address issues in safety, manners, tidiness, generosity, responsibilities and so on.  Please do remember that we don’t expect our child to immediately abide to each rules that we develop . Young children need to be reminded again and again to not repeat the same mistake of breaking a rule. There always a reason for each happening, all we need to do is observe and listen to our children if they keeps breaking a rule. and you do not implement consequences the child will not learn responsibility. Part of the goal of a balanced family system is to teach responsibility to the family members. We need not react impulsively to our child's lack of discipline; that would be hypocritical.  The child may not understand or might have reason behind his behavior. Sometimes it is dysfunctional way of seeking more attention..

Examples Of Fixed Family Rules

• Do not play with fire
• Do not swim in the pool without adult’s supervision
• Only cut with scissors or knife when an adult is present.
• Must brush teeth before and after bedtime.
• Do not talk to stranger.
• Must clean up toys after play.
• Do not scribble on the walls.
• Clothes must be put in hamper
• No bikes left outside
• Do not leave home ever without advising parent/babysitter
• Do not touch stove
• Do not take food or candy from strangers
• Daily Study time 3-4 PM.

Examples Of Flexible Family Rules

• Outside Play time during week is 4-5
• Dinner time is 6pm.
• TV time is 6pm-6:30pm.
• Toys to be kept in toy cabinet.
• No children in home without permission
• Do not feed the dog
• Can only watch certain TV programs
• Do not engage in any communication on the Internet

A new report by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Colombia University was released today to encourage families to eat dinner together.  Their most recent important finding is that teenagers, who average fewer than two family dinners a week, are more likely to do drugs, smoke, and drink, compared with teens who have family dinners five times a week.

The research, sponsored by the Safeway Foundation, was based on telephone interviews with 1,000 random interviews of 12-17 year olds and more than 500 parents.

CASA has been tracking the link between family dinners and substance abuse since 1996. They know that the most effective anti drug and alcohol messages come from parents and many teens report that the best time to talk to their parents about something important is during dinner. Although 84 percent of teens report that they prefer to eat dinner with their families than to eat alone, only about 60 % of teens report having dinner with their families at least 5 times a week Other important findings include:

• Among those teens who don’t have frequent family dinners (five or more a week), marijuana use is six times more likely for teens 12 – 13 years old, three times more likely for teens 14-15 years old, and twice as likely for teens 16-17 years old.

•  Among teens who had fewer than two family dinners a week, 50% of them had drunk alcohol and 25% had used marijuana.

•  Teens whose families have infrequent dinners are 3.5 times more likely to have abused prescription drugs.

No one is suggesting that having family dinners is going to be the magic bullet that prevents alcohol and drug abuse in teens, because there are many complex risk factors including environment, hereditary markers, and peer pressure. But as Elizabeth Plant, The Safeway Foundation project manager says, ” family dinners are a proxy to family engagement, which is the key to reducing teen substance abuse risk”.

Sheena Berg, M.Ed., a parenting coach at www.blended-familis.com reported these findings for publication on Dictionary For Dads states that “we’ve known the cumulative benefits of the family dinner for some time, especially among blended families creating new traditions and rituals. Dinners can be as simple as you’re comfortable with, but the positive values are multifaceted, immediate, persistent, and long lasting. Family dinners model responsibility, cooperation, communication, and connectedness. They are an effective way of teaching kids healthy eating choices.  Furthermore, every family member can be involved with chores, from the littlest kids putting out napkins, to the older kids learning life skills such as meal planning, and food prep. This way each person can feel like a valued member of the family”.

Turning off the cell phones, the TV and the I-pods and enjoying a simple family dinner can restore the balance and stability in your family after the stressors of the day. Have fun, eat healthy food, talk, listen, and notice how your family reaps the benefits of respect, cooperation, appreciation, fun, togetherness and love. And all you parents will enjoy some welcome help in the kitchen as well.

1. The disease of Addiction knows no demographic boundaries and touches all families of society.
2. 22.6 million Americans are addicted to drugs or alcohol. (Source: SAMHSA, NSDUH, 2006)
3. Addiction is the single greatest preventable health problem in the United States. (Source:Robert Wood Johnson Foundation)
4. There are 35 million American families with children at risk of abusing drugs and alcohol. (Source: U.S. Census 2000, parents with children ages 9 -17)
5. In 2004, 14-1/2 was the average age when teens first used an illegal drug.(Source:NSDUH 2005 report)
6. Kids who learn about the risks of drugs from their parents are up to 50 percent less likely to use drugs, yet only 31 percent report learning a lot from their parents.(Source: Partnership Attitude Tracking Study, 2005)
7. Three quarters of teens/young adults (ages 13-24) surveyed said their parents make them happy and almost half, when asked to name their hero, named their parents. And when asked the open-ended question “What one thing in life makes you most happy,” 46 percent cited spending time with family members and friends. (MTV Survey, 2007)
8. Seven out of 10 (69 percent) grandparents reported they believe their grandchildren face greater worries than their own children did growing up. (Source: Partnership fora Drug-Free America/MetLife Foundation Survey, 2007)
9. A majority of grandparents (56 percent) reported already having had a discussion about drugs with their oldest grandchild – and of those who had a discussion, nearly nine out of 10 (86 percent) said they felt “very comfortable” talking to their grandchild about alcohol or drug use. (Source: Partnership for a Drug-Free America/Met-Life Foundation Survey, 2007)
10. A growing number of parents don’t just want information; they want advice on what to do and best approaches to having open and honest conversations with their kids. With 30 percent admitting they need tips on how to start a discussion about drugs; and 37 percent reported they want information on how to tell if a child is using drugs. (Source: Partnership Attitude Tracking Study, 2006)
11. In 2006, one in five (21 percent) 8th graders has used an illicit drug in their lifetime. Half (48 percent) of young people have used an illicit drug by the time they left high school. (Source: Monitoring the Future 2006)
12. One in five teens (19 percent) (grades 7-12) has abused prescription medicine to get high and one in 10 has abused cough medicine to get high. (Source: Partnership Attitude Tracking Study, 2005)
13. Only 25 percent of parents think that their child has ever tried marijuana (PATS 2006); Denial runs deep in the family system.When actually 37 percent of teens (grades 7-12) have tried the drug. (Source: Partnership Attitude Tracking Study, 2005)