Dictionary For Dads

The purpose of the custody agreement is to reach an understanding on how to raise and care for the child with both parents sharing in the responsibilities and maintaining involvement in the day-to-day life of the child. For the custody agreement to work it is essential that you be flexible.

Make every attempt to encourage and respect the relationship of your child and the other parent. Do not assume anything and keep an open mind. We fully understand that this is easier said than done when in the midst of the turmoil which naturally goes with a divorce. Never forget that you and your spouse is getting the divorce, you are not divorcing your children. We recommend that you keep the children’s best interest in mind and attempt to reach an agreement on custody.  However we understand at times this is an impossible endeavor and  it often ends up in a courtroom custody battle.  

Before You Decide:                                                                                               Consider when you get into a court battle over custody you are  putting your children right smack in the middle of your battle.

Priorities:                                                                                                               Make sure your priorities are in line and ask yourself why you are fighting for custody. Are you fighting for custody or fighting so that your ex-spouse does not get custody? Is it in the best interest of the children? If you have determined that it's the right thing to do for the children we urge you to go forward.

Prepare For The Worst Expect The Best:

Regardless of how strongly you believe you would be the better parent and should have custody of the children be prepared for the court to decide against you. Be ready to accept the courts decision and move forward to work with your ex-spouse to raise your children in a way that is best for them.

Money Is The Root Of All Evil:

Never use a custody battle as a chip in negotiating a better financial settlement. Dads I know you are saying “that is what she is doing.”  Remember let the courts do their job and keep cool. Once the battle has begun, everyone will be emotional most of all the children. So think long and hard about the consequences of your actions and always keep the children's best interest in mind, long and short term.

The Law:
According to the law the court is must take into consideration what is in the best interest of the child when making the decision. If the court feels that neither parent is acting in the best interest of the child a guardian may be appointed to help in making decisions on the behalf of the child.

The Child And Court:
Depending on the age of the child, their wishes may or may not be taken into consideration. Some states strongly take into consideration the wishes of the child depending on their age; some states do not consider the child's wishes at all, without regard to age.

The History And The Truth:
Dads are up against history because traditionally, the judicial system leans towards deciding in favor of the mother in custody cases. However, with more women pursuing full time careers this trend is changing.

Do Not Assume Your Wife Gets The Custody:
It is no longer assumed that the mother is the primary caregiver.
Unless the situation is so obvious that one parent should have custodial rights over the other (such as in drug abuse, emotional or physical abuse) a court ordered independent evaluation will probably be ordered.

The Evaluation:
This is usually conducted by a court appointed mental health professional such as a psychologist or a social worker. A thorough evaluation can include the following: interviews with all the parties involved (individually and possibly with the parent and child together); psychological testing of both parents and the child; review of school records and or conversations with teachers; review of medical records and developmental history; review of legal records, such as the papers filed regarding the divorce, any possible domestic disputes and any criminal records of either party involved. Be prepared for the evaluation to take at least four to six weeks if not longer. Be prepared for a time consuming and expensive battle.

Residential or Physical Custody:

This is often referred to in different terms (Residential Custodian) which means that the children will reside with you if you are granted Phsical or Residential custody. 

Legal Custody:

This determines who or what individuals are specifically responsible for making the decisions on behalf of the children concerning health, education, religion, and general welfare. This is not often granted to one parent.

Joint Legal Custody:

This is the most common form of Custody. This is where the children live with one parent (residential custodian) while the other parent has visitation rights. With Joint Legal Custody, both parents make the decisions on behalf of the children concerning health, education, religion, and general welfare.

Joint Physical Custody:

This is often referred to as shared parenting; it is when the child resides with both parents for a significant amount of time. This arrangement does not always work out to be an exact 50/50 split. In order for this type of situation to work, there must be cooperation on both sides. The parents would also have to live in close proximity as not to affect the child's schooling. A few years ago there was a trend towards awarding this type of custody, however recently it has been determined that this may not be in the best interest of the child.

Sole Legal Custody:

This is when one parent has the right to make all the legal decisions regarding issues such as health, education, general welfare, and religion. This type of custody is not very common anymore.

When the divorce is finalized both physical (residential) and legal custody must be determined.

The impact that the removal of fathers has on our children is devastating.
Here are some statistics resulting from the Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services - Office of Income Security Policy which show more of the big picture:

According to a 1999 report of the Department of Health and Human Services and other experts in the field:

• Girls without a father in their life are two and a half times as likely to get pregnant and
• 53 percent more likely to commit suicide.
• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [U. S. D.H.H.S. Bureau of the Census]
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
• 80% of rapist motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14 p.403-26]
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.[National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
• 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes [U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept., 1988]
• Nearly 2 of every 5 children in America do not live with their fathers. [US News and World Report, February 27, 1995, p.39]

Compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents children who are in the care of single mothers are: 

• 33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention)
• 73 times more likely to be killed["Marriage: The Safest Place for According to Women and Children", by Patrick F. Fagan and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D. Backgrounder #1535.] 

 This means that children from fatherless homes are:

• 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
• 6.6 times to become teenage mothers24.3 times more likely to run away,
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
• 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions
• 10.8 times more likely to commit rape
• 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school
• 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager
• Boys without a father in their life are 63 percent more likely to run away and
• 37 percent more likely to abuse drugs.
• Both girls and boys are twice as likely to drop out of high school, twice as likely to end up in jail and nearly four times as likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems.

• Allegations of domestic violence are often the weapon-of-choice in divorce strategies. False allegations of  abuse  work effectively in removing men from their families. These allegations never need to be proven they just need to be alleged. According to the US Census there are:
• 11,268,000 total custodial mothers
• 2,907,000 total custodial fathers
  [Current Populations Reports, US Bureau of the Census, Series P-20, No. 458, 1991] The calculation of the relative risks shown in the preceding list is based on 27% of children being in the care of single mothers.
  
• 79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award
• 29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award.
• 46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.
• 26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support. 20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level
• 61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level 
• 66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full time.
• 10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full time.
• 7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly.
• 24.5% of single custodial fathers work more that 44 hours weekly.
• 46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance.
• 20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistance.
• 40% of mothers admitted that they interfered with the fathers visitation to punish their ex-spouse. ["Frequency of Visitation" by Sanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry]\
• 90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay the support due.  79.1% of fathers with visitation privileges pay the support due.
• 44.5% of fathers with no visitation pay the support due. 37.9% of fathers are denied any visitation.
• 66% of all support not paid by non-custodial fathers is due to the inability to pay.  [1988 Census "Child Support and Alimony: 1989 Series" P-60, No. 173 p.6-7, and "U.S. General Accounting Office Report" GAO/HRD-92-39FS January 1992].
• 50% of mothers see no value in the fathers continued contact with his children. ["Surviving the Breakup" by Joan Berlin Kelly]  
• Seventy five percent of custodial mothers move at least once within four years after separation or divorce, according to the Senate Committee on Judiciary, Report on Family Law: Relocation of Custodial Parents.

Step 1. Dictionary For Dads recommend you always look at what is in the best interest for the child while processing any part of your custody battle.    This can be a daunting task when you are in a power struggle with a scorn ex-spouse but keep your cool.The best way to convince any judge you are a fit and stable parent is by putting your child's needs first.  It sounds simple in theory, but it can become very difficult for some parents who are angry.
For example lets say mom makes an independent decision and  signs Sam(son) up for Boxing instructions, and forgets to consult dad about this  new activity Sam will be attending on Saturdays and advises his dad by surprise on his next overnight visit which is Friday night. Now dad had a fishing trip and a boat rented for him and his son to go fishing the following morning and he is now furious that he is expected to drive 25 miles at eleven o'clock to drop his son off for a Boxing class.
The initial reaction to this anger and frustration is to just refuse to take the child to his Boxing class. However this is wrong. Even though, the mother didn't follow the rules of the court and disrespected the father by not consulting with him and gaining his approval of the Boxing class. In addition, she even went as far as to schedule the son's Boxing class during his limited visitation time on the weekends.  
Of course this would make you furious and you would be angry but this is a very common situation in many divorce proceedings. Many men say the hell with this and just refuse to take the child to boxing and retaliate with some similar behavior. This is a merry go round that sometimes goes on for ever and the child pays the price for every ride. Dictionary For Dads recommends that regardless of the dynamics and games people play focus on the most important fact; that your son wants to Box, and actually enjoys it. The Father certainly should remind the mother, through his lawyer, that some consultation is warranted and would have been appreciated.
A good mom or dad would not interfere with a healthy activity for a child, and would enable  their son to experience and  enjoy his Boxing classes.
So in the future, evaluate your position and motivations before you react especially when it involves your children. Make good choices, if you feel that you are angry or on edge we recommend you take a break and calm down before you engage in any discussions. This will enable you to communicate from your head and not your emotions.
Now if one parent persistently ignores the wishes of the other parent or fails to advise and consult the other parent about matters pertaining to custody, you should seek your legal remedies. That is to say, that if it happens once, politely remind her, and if it happens twice,  a meeting with the custody judge or council is in order.
Dictionary For Dads recommends that you never deny your child anything they should or could enjoy doing, simply to frustrate the other parent. If a judge thinks you are using the children as pawns to frustrate the other parent, this behavior alone could be grounds for losing custody.
Demonstrating to a court that you always put your child ahead of the litigation or custody fight shows the judge that you are a competent parent.

Step 2. Provide a Safe, Stable And Habitable Living Environment For Your Children. This is a stumbling block for many separated/divorced Fathers. If you currently reside  in an studio apartment or a home with only one bedroom, you are going to have a difficult time convincing any judge that you can provide adequate shelter and sleeping accommodations for two or three children of any age.
Fathers need to find housing that has what many judges  call "age appropriate bedroom situations". Age appropriate bedroom situations allows older boys and girls to sleep separately and provides adequate space for your children. As our children grow up, they  require their own living space. Another considerations dads need to recognize is that according to the law the onset of puberty mandates separate sleeping quarters. The failure to provide any of these can be used against you in  the court.
Dictionary For Dads suggests you try and locate housing which is comparable to or better than what you had while living with your ex-spouse and children. It is hard for any parent to complain to the judge when your new place is better than or at least equal to the marital property. It doesn't need to be a luxury mansion, just equivalent in terms of basic services and living space. If you have the ability to retain the marital home this is an advantage for you because the children are usually comfortable and acclimated to that environment.
Of course everything is relative, and your financial means may limit your ability. So no matter where you move, try to keep it clean, neat, and habitable. Modest housing that is clean and neat is what most custody judges will expect at the least. Even if you must rent a less than perfect home. Fathers need to make sure it has, adequate sleeping areas, and  demonstrate that the home maintains good sanitary housekeeping. Basic hygiene and cleanliness are important to providing your child wit good health care. In addition, Judges are swayed by pictures of dumpy homes with wrecks in the yard, over flowing garbage and/or anything else that suggests an  un-sanitary living environment. So keep it clean!

Step 3.  Establish Residence in your child's school district!                       

Many parents who leave the family residence moves without regard to the school district their children attend. They sometimes move long distances away to be with new loves, parents, or for jobs.  Remember that school is one of the most important aspects of your child's life. Staying in the same district signals to the court that you crafted your move with the child's best interest at heart.
If you move out of your child's school district, the opposing parent will argue that custody is best kept with them, so the child can retain the same friends and teachers. This can be a powerful argument, and if the custody case is otherwise a close one, this will often be the deciding factor. You should find housing in the same school district if you are the parent leaving which is often the case for fathers. If you are a divorced father looking to get more custody than you currently have, you might consider moving back into the child's school district.  Sometimes moving can also suggest a lack of stability in your housing situation, so don't move into inadequate housing solely to move school districts. The most important factors to your housing are in listed in Step 2.
Of course if you move to a better  location with a clearly favorable school district, you might also leverage that in your custody case. Remember to follow Step two if you decide to re-locate. Just remember, clearly better and a little better a two different things.
In most instances moving schools for children who are established students is not going to help your custody case. However, if there are safety and / or academic issues that will benefit your child  those factors may make the school district issues in any custody litigation.

Step 4.  Never immediately reside with a new lover. Get your own place that is consistent with the parameters in step # 2.

Dictionary for Dads wants you to know that new relationships can influence the strength of your child custody battle. Many fathers feel they should have the freedom to pursue their needs and love interests freely but we want to caution them before they do so. Fair or unfair, your choice in a new lover can and will help or hurt your custody case that is the fact!
Many custody problems arise when one parent leaves another for a new lover. The other parent often perceives this as a marital or relationship issue, and will simply oppose the new person on those grounds alone. This reaction to the new lover can and will cause problems for both parties as well as the children in the custody battle. So dads if you are  separated, and then meet someone new, your ex-spouse will often oppose the new relationship and the women in your child's life. This is particularly true when the relationship and divorce issues still have not been resolved.
Obviously no custody court is going to deny a parent a new lover or spouse. But the how, when, and where of the new relationship will influence your custody position. Again think stability. Especially if you do this too soon it will demonstrate that your priorities are not in order.
Moving out of one relationship and directly into another is not considered best for the children. This implicates instability, and may expose the child to an adult influence that is not well known to either of the child's parents.
A good example is where a woman leaves her husband, and three weeks later moves in with a friend from her gym, who is a single dad with two children of his own. While the ex husband to be may be very upset in general about the relationship and loss of his wife, he will have plenty of logical and sound arguments for the custody courts. He will argue that the mother his ex-spouse hardly knows the new man in any meaningful way and that the quick move is disruptive to the children. Further the "new children" add additional potential problems. What if one turns out to have a behavioral problem and/or and routinely bullies the other kids in the household?
Dictionary For Dads recommends getting to know a person very well, before living with them especially when children are involved. Taking this step will prevent any surprises that may pop out of the closet at a later date.  We have heard of many instances where the "new live in lover" is later found to have a significant criminal record, or is even a registered sex offender, and that will most likely influence any custody case.
Courts will look to see if you checked the new person out carefully, and entered your new relationship with your child's best interest at heart as we suggested in Step one. Be aware though it is possible to choose a partner who will cause you to lose your custody battle!

Nothing concerns a custody judge more than a parent who keeps changing jobs, changing homes, and changing lovers/partners. Even if you have great reasons for these changes your overall pattern will reflect instability to a judge/court. Social workers will advise the court that children require constant routine and stability in their lives. Therefore, judges always look for stability and consistency in a parent. If you do need to change jobs or housing, do so with a carefully thought out plan of action.If you do change jobs it would be good for you to demonstrate to  the court, that you have changed jobs in order to receive an increase in salary and long term job security which will come off as a sensible move.  

Remember not to change your life around a lot, your ex spouse will argue that no matter how your current situation appears to the court, that it is unproven and unlikely to last. You  will have a hard time convincing a judge your situation is a good one, if the other side can point demonstrate that you have a long history of a transient lifestyle.

So remember to think stability in all aspect of your personal and public life, to ensure an advantage in custody litigation.

If the other parent is fit, or a court has found them to be fit, then it is your job as a responsible parent to ensure the child benefits from the love and companionship of the other parent.

Remember this General rule.--In making an order for custody, partial custody or visitation to either parent, the court shall consider, among other factors, which parent is more likely to encourage, permit and allow frequent and continuing contact and physical access between the noncustodial parent and the child......

The court will consider whether you are the parent that is more apt to promote and encourage the other parent's relationship with your child. So you should demonstrate to the court how you are doing such. Doing otherwise is grounds to rule for custody in that other parent.

Here are some things you can do to enable a good relationship for your children:

1. When the other parent asks for an extra day, give it to them. Be flexible to accommodate special events and opportunities that they have for the child during your periods of custody
2. When your job requires you to work a Saturday offer the time to the other parent, so they can have extra time with the child if they are available.
3. Do not exclude the other parents or their extended family to attending any holidays, birthday parties, or school events. Always encourage the child's family to be part of every aspect of his/her life.
   

Doing these things will impress upon the judge that you are a flexible parent who does not deny your child and the other parent the ability to build a relationship.

Make sure your own House is in order and your backyard is clean.  Don't make bad custody moves when your personal mental or emotional stability is low, as this will lead to bad custody results. You want the judge or mediator to meet you at a high point, not your lowest state. This may mean sitting back and taking care of yourself, and not moving as quickly forward with your custody case as you may like, but the long term result is often better.

Judges often find that custody clients need to slow down, and work on their own issues and vulnerabilities, before rushing into a court battle for custody. Litigating a custody situation at a time when the separation of two parents is causing erratic behavior in all the lives of the family is not rational. Sometimes it is not easy,  but a parent who is stabilize in their own life situation and  placed enough time between the breakup and the custody battle will often fare better in court.