Dictionary For Dads

Affirm to your children that the divorce is not their fault. Discuss the situation with them, explore the child’s feelings and re-assure them the divorce is not their fault. Remind your child  that they will always be loved and protected. Regardless of A Separation or Divorce inform your children that they will still have both parents. Try and be very gentle and patient this is scary situation to children and they will experience anxiety and fear.

Always try to support your childrens relationship with their mother in spite of any anger you may harbor. Try and  practice good communication for your child's sake and inform the mother/other parent of special events, school functions or extracurricular activities before they occur.

Divorce is a very difficult time for all involved especially children. Parents must continue to provide the children with love and discipline. Children require structure and limits at all times. You may want to let rules, chores and structure slide. Dictionary For Dads recommends that you never do that the children need to maintain what structure they have in this situation. Children feel a sense of security from order and rules and require it to maintain stability. This ecspecially is critical in a Divorce Because children experience lots of fear and intimidation.

Listen to your children, pay attention to their feelings and accept responsibility. Never try to invalidate their feelings or ignore them. Do not be critical and derogatory towards their mother. Keep in mind feelings are not facts there just feelings.

Encourage your children to express their feelings because if they are not expressed and explored they will manifest in behaviors. All children needs help learning safe and healthy ways to express their feelings. Be sure to provide them with that safe environment and the support they need. 

Children should never be made to feel guilty or as if they have to choose which is their "real" or "better" home. Never serve your own needs at the expense of children by manipulating them to say your home is better; even if it is.

A Child's Ability To Adjust To Their Parents Divorce Is Dependent On:

• the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce,

• the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and 
  

• their parents ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce.
  

DENIAL
This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling to peers, teachers and others they come into contact with. This is also a sort of wishful thinking which is a technique children use to manage their sense of loss and emotions associated with the divorce. The lines exhibits this psychological reaction at times with fictional verbal communication. For example: Mom, Dad and I are  going to go on vacation over the summer; dad and mom are going to get back together soon and we will live in a big house.

ABANDONMENT
When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are fearful they too are replaceable and/or abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is exasperated if one or both parents engage in behavior of talking about the other parent in a toxic content to gain their child's alliance or favor. If children do not have permission or support to have a good relationship with the other parent they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents. Sometimes in extreme cases they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

ANGER AND HOSTILITY
Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault.

DEPRESSION
Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury are all signs of depression.

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REGRESSION
Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt secure. They may do some "baby-talk" or wet their beds

PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION
Ironically the more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents getting back together. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict and anger  with love.

BLAME SHAME AND GUILT
Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce--they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents argue while planning visitation schedules. Children that witness this logically feel that their parents are fighting because of them. Children in these situations commonly will make deals with their parents by promises of good behavior. Furthermore, these children will experience difficulty with transitions and may refuse to visit with the other parent. The children may experience a toxic sense of shame a feeling that they are flawed and defective.

ACTING OUT BEHAVIOR
Children act out their emotions with behavior especially if they do not have the support and skills developed to manage emotions. In an attempt to survive in a uncomfortable  environment or to just stop the noise, children will often take the side of the parent they are living with. This enables the child to have some sense of security which they may need to do in order to survive the situation. If a child's needs are not being met he will engage in behavior that often draws attention to the family such as: fighting, cutting school, graffiti, drugs, alcohol, tobacco use, belligerence, not doing chores, not doing homework etc. These children are often categorized as a bad child but they are only trying to alert others that they are in crisis.

Behaviors also may manifest in isolating and withdrawing from things that they use to enjoy. This is often associated with the feeling of shame related to their family/self.

Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the "other parent" or talk to the other parent on the phone, child bad mouths the "other parent."

Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.

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Signs of Stress in Children
Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little very young children. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

Infants And Toddlers:
Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating. Experience delay in the mastery of new skills. Sleep disturbances such as difficulty gong to sleep and frequent waking. Difficulty leaving one parent; un healthy dependence rooted in fear and confusion of child. They appear to exhibit general crankiness, temper tantrums and increased episodes of  crying.

Three To Five Years:
Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys; lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking and bed wetting. Experience an immature sense of what has happened to their family; they become bewildered and tend to make up fantasy stories to escape reality. Children often blame themselves and  experience feelings of guilt.  In this stage they commonly experience bedtime anxiety, sleep problems and frequent waking They experience
fear of being abandoned by both parents which manifests in irritability, aggression and temper tantrums.

Six To Eight Years Olds:
Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected;Crying and sobbing;
Afraid of their worst fears coming true; parental reconciliation fantasies; loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart; problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

Nine To Twelve Year Olds:
Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation;
fear of loneliness; Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce; physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
may become overactive or over eat to avoid thinking about the divorce;
feeling ashamed over what's happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

Teenagers:
Fear of being isolated and lonely; experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them;Feel hurried to achieve independence
feel in competition with parents;worry about their own future relationships and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships; Discomfort with a parents dating and sexuality; chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
mourns the loss of the family and their childhood; these teens higher risk of childhood obesity,tobacco use, and drug and alcohol abuse/addiction

• Do not to criticize, be-little or blame the child's mother.
  Children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad therefore when you attack the other parent you attack your child. This rule also applies to step-parents and other significant adults in your child's life.

• Do not use your children as secret Spies.
  Children our not responsible for helping you communicate or helping you get information about or from the child’s mother.

• Do not provide your children with divorce details.
  Rarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be exposed to information regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns or intimate details regarding your divorce Typically children feel very confused and caught in the middle when parents expose them to adult issues.

• Do not blame your child for alimony or child support.                         Its not their fault.

• Never try and get even when the other parent says or does damaging things. You must take the high ground and not stoop to anyone’s level. Retaliation or giving children "your side of the story" continues the cycle of children feeling very confused and caught between mom and dad. Instead, choose to be supportive of your children by using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear that" or " How do you feel when this happens?"

• Your child should not be making adult decisions.
  Children should not be place in the position of deciding parenting schedules, where they will live or how to handle household matters. Dad needs to step to the plate and make the schedule. This also lets the child know that he/she is important to you regardless of the divorce.

• Never let your children to become your best confidants.                   Children should not feel responsible for their parent's emotional well being. Make sure you develop a supportive network and find other caring adults to share your feelings with about the divorce. If you are having difficulty get involved with the Dictionary for Dads blog you are not alone.

• I know it is difficult but never place blame.                                   This also apples to  when children ask why you got divorced. Children should not be placed in the position of judging or taking sides between their parents.

• Never withhold child support if the other parent is withholding visitation. Both actions are illegal and are viewed as separate issues by the court. They are not dependent on each other so be careful.

• Never try to buy your child's love.                                                        It does not work that way. Although children enjoy gifts, they will remember you for how you loved them and gave them attention not for the things you bought them.

• Accept your situation and keep your priorities straight.                Change the things you can accept the things you can not and keep on smiling. I am sure every child loves to see a smile.

• See our page on the legalities of custody and divorce.