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Divorce Poison and Parental Alienation

Separation and divorce are never happy events, especially when children are involved. Responsible parents, even those with hurt feelings, anger and resentment, do their best to be respectful towards one another around their children. Unfortunately, a growing number of separated and divorced parents find it impossible to be civil and actually involve their children directly and consistently in their hostile dealings with each other. This is known as divorce poison and in its extreme version, Parental Alienation Syndrome.

The leading authority on this ugly, damaging phenomenon is Dr Richard Warshak who has written the best selling, definitive book, Divorce Poison. The focus of the book is to highlight the harmful effects this vengeful behavior has on children and to make parents aware of their selfish motives and destructive impulses when they use their children to get back at a former spouse.

Divorce poison is devastating and insidious and ranges from bad mouthing and bashing by one parent of the other, to a concerted brain washing campaign to turn children against the other parent with the intention of completely alienating them and severing their relationship. Parental alienation goes further because it not only turns the child against the other parent, generally the non-custodial parent, it encourages children to independently engage in degrading the other parent and sever the relationship themselves.  Dr Warshak describes this intentional effort of a parent encouraging and helping the child demean the other parent as ?enlisting their children as agents of their own deprivation?.  In other words, one parent not only bashes the other parent but also uses the child to actively despise the parent and deprive the child of a relationship with the other parent.

Divorce Poison not only describes the many and varied forms of parental alienation, it is a useful and practical guide for parents and their children on how to recognize the common techniques and strategies used by the ?poisoners? and how to take action to combat it.

Dr Warshak challenges conventional wisdom of many counseling professionals who have traditionally recommended that parents not criticize each other under any circumstances. In some cases, he believes, it is useful to speak up about a parent who is engaging in destructive divorce poison. However, it is important to recognize when criticism is appropriate and when it is intentionally destructive.

Also, he encourages parents who are victims of parental alienation to take action because ?doing nothing achieves nothing?. Alienated parents have traditionally been told not to push too hard and to wait until the kids come back to them of their own accord. Unfortunately, the parent who backs off and does not maintain or force a relationship feeds into the clever lies of the destructive parent who is attempting to sabotage the relationship. The child is then negatively reinforced with the message that the parent doesn?t care.

The aftermath of divorce is when children badly need the love, support and dependable relationship of both parents as they struggle to make sense of their world that has been turned upside down. They need the affection and security of both parents as they heal and adapt to the loss of their family. The last thing they need is to be in the cross fire of bitter and hostile parents or to be conscripted into a type of warfare where they are forced to choose one parent over the other.

Divorce Poison is a ?must read? for any dads out there who recognize the presence of this negative behavior in their lives. Go to www.blended-families.com to hear an Ask the Expert interview by Dr Warshak and order his book. It will educate you, provide you with helpful and practical strategies and inspire you to do help yourself and your kids.

Sheena Berg M.Ed.  Coach at www.blended-families.com

For more information contact: sheena@blended-families.com