Dictionary For Dads

One out of five Americans has an anger management problem. Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" our perception of an threat or attack to our well being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the lack of skills to manage the anger. Un-managed anger and rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal and professional relationships. Domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, divorce, and addiction are just a few examples of what happens when anger is not managed effectively. Parents are not only responsible for their emotions and behaviors but are also responsibile for how they impact their children.

Recognize Your Stress
Stress and anger tend to go hand and hand. The higher one's stress level, the easier it is to allow our anger to get out of control. It is a challenge for most of us to manage our stress levels in a complex world with many demands and expectations. Learning stress management techniques provides us an effective way to reduce the physical, behavioral, and emotional problems caused by too much stress.
Stress is often the trigger that takes us from feeling peaceful to experiencing uncomfortable angry feelings in many common life situations. Whether the stressor is external or internal, scientists have discovered that the major systems of the body work together to provide one of the human organism's most powerful and sophisticated defenses; the stress response which you may know better as "fight-or-flight". Before your stress response turns into anger or aggression, use stress management strategies to get it under control.

Develop Empathy
Have you ever been on a train and noticed that the passenger next to you was speaking louder than anyone else into their cell phone? It was as if they had no idea that they were being so loud and intrusive to the rest of the passengers. This lack of awareness is often a sign of not being emotionally or socially alert. Our ability to know how we are feeling as well as our ability to accurately sense the feelings of those around us help us make positive connections with others. This characteristic is often called "empathy."
To empathize is to see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, and to feel with the heart of another. Lack of empathy leads to poor communication and a failing to understand others. To manage anger, it often helps to see our anger as a combination of other people's behavior and our lack of empathy toward them or their situation.

Respond Instead of React
Many times we become angry because we find people and situations that literally "push our buttons", and we react just like a gun when the trigger is pulled.  Rather than reacting to anger triggers in this fashion, you can learn to choose how to deal with frustrating situations—to respond rather than automatically react. There are many advantages to learning to how be more flexible in dealing with the stresses and frustrations of life. At the top of the list is a sense of empowerment. It just feels good and powerful to know that you are in charge of your response, rather than being controlled by other people or circumstances. Many people notice their anger level going down as their feeling of empowerment goes up.

Change That Conversation With Yourself
A crucial tool in dealing with angry feelings is that of challenging that conversation with yourself. Stop telling yourself that you are right or you have been wronged. These thoughts just feed the frenzy and cause you to have certain feelings or emotions—even though you may not realize it. Learning to change that "self-talk" empowers you to deal with anger more effectively in terms of how strongly you feel the anger, how long you hold onto your anger, and how you express your anger. A good rule of thumb is an angry person listening to himself is in bad company. Don't feed your anger remove yourself, calm down and talk about it with a third person who is non bias and rational.

Develop Communication Skills                                                                          Good communication skills are an essential ingredient to anger management because poor communication causes untold emotional hurt, misunderstandings, and conflict. Words are powerful, but the message we convey to others is even more powerful and often determines how people respond to us and how we feel toward them.
Anger expressed toward others is often a misguided way of communicating a feeling we have or a need that is not being satisfied by other people or situations. Assertive communication—as distinct from aggressive communication is a set of skills to honestly and effectively communicate how you feel and how you are responding to things without getting angry or hostile about it.

Change Your Expectations
Have you ever been told your expectations are too high? Anger and stress can often be caused when our expectations are too far apart from what is realistic to achieve. In other words, anger is often triggered by a discrepancy between what we expect and what we get.
Learning to adjust those expectations—sometimes upward and other times downward—can help us cope with difficult situations or people, or even cope with ourselves. In marriage, research shows that much anger is caused by trying to solve problems, which are unsolvable and perpetual. Successful couples learn to live with each other around these issues rather than getting angry about them.

Forgiveness
Anger is often the result of grievances we hold toward other people or situations, usually because of our perception and feeling of having been wronged by them in some way. Resentment is a form of anger that does more damage to the holder than the offender. Holding a grudge is letting the offender live rent free in your head. Making the decision to "let go" (while still protecting ourselves) is often a process of forgiveness—or at least acceptance—and is a major step toward anger control.

Take Time To Think Things Over!
Bobby and Trish loved each other deeply, but often went into horrific verbal battles over any number of issues. However, they were unable to give each other "space" during an argument insisting they solve the issue immediately. Even worse, Trish often physically blocked Bobby from leaving and would follow him from room to room demanding discussion. Needless to say, this is a dangerous practice as it can escalate levels of anger even further and cause partners to do and say things they don't really mean and may later regret!
Research shows that we are pretty much incapable of resolving conflicts or thinking rationally in an argument when our stress level reaches a certain point. To avoid losing control either physically or verbally, it is often best to take a temporary "time-out"—and leave. This tool of anger management works much better if (a) you commit to return within a reasonable amount of time to work things out, and (2) you work on your "self-talk" while trying to cool down.

Dictionary For Dads recommend you always look at what is in the best interest for the child while processing any part of your situation. This can be a daunting task when you are in a power struggle with a scorn ex-spouse but keep your cool.The best way to convince any judge you are a fit and stable parent is by putting your child's needs first.  It sounds simple in theory, but it can become very difficult for some parents who are angry.

For example lets say mom makes an independent decision and  signs Sam(son) up for Boxing instructions, and forgets to consult dad about this  new activity Sam will be attending on Saturdays and advises his dad by surprise on his next overnight visit which is Friday night. Now dad had a fishing trip and a boat rented for him and his son to go fishing the following morning and he is now furious that he is expected to drive 25 miles at eleven o'clock to drop his son off for a Boxing class.

The initial reaction to this anger and frustration is to just refuse to take the child to his Boxing class. However this is wrong. Even though, the mother didn't follow the rules of the court and disrespected the father by not consulting with him and gaining his approval of the Boxing class. In addition, she even went as far as to schedule the son's Boxing class during his limited visitation time on the weekends.

Of course this would make you furious and you would be angry but this is a very common situation in many divorce proceedings. Many men say the hell with this and just refuse to take the child to boxing and retaliate with some similar behavior. This is a merry go round that sometimes goes on for ever and the child pays the price for every ride. Dictionary For Dads recommends that regardless of the dynamics and games people play focus on the most important fact; that your son wants to Box, and actually enjoys it. The Father certainly should remind the mother, through his lawyer, that some consultation is warranted and would have been appreciated.

A good mom or dad would not interfere with a healthy activity for a child, and would enable  their son to experience and  enjoy his Boxing classes.

So in the future, evaluate your position and motivations before you react especially when it involves your children. Make good choices, if you feel that you are angry or on edge we recommend you take a break and calm down before you engage in any discussions. This will enable you to communicate from your head and not your emotions.