Dictionary For Dads

All Families in society experience hardships, stress, and losses and in those processes they typically will adapt and support each other in healthy ways to achieve balance and regain a state of homeostasis in the family system. In families where alcohol or drug abuse is prevalent, members resort to unhealthy ways in a desperate attempt to achieve any sort of balance. The result is a dysfunctional desperate family system that is more worried about survival than supporting each member in healthy ways to reach meaningful goals. All family members become absorbed by the alcohol and or drug, addiction as well as the associated behaviors to such an extent they lose their sense of being normal. Each family members life becomes consumed with hiding the truth from themselves, their children, their friends and their relational world. Trust and faith in an orderly and predictable world is soon lost as the family life becomes more and more chaotic. The plans to change never happen, all promises are broken, and family members they once depended upon for support and stability behave irrationally and simply are not available physically or emotionally nor are they trustworthy. As a result of the addiction both children and adults in these family systems lose their sense of who and what they can depend upon.
 
Addiction is of a progressive nature which affects all family members and therefore it is often referred to as a "family disease." Therefore, as the alcohol or drug addiction progresses so does the level of dysfunctional behavior, denial and  distorted communication patterns in the family. In these families, children are often left to fend for themselves because with all the obsessive thinking, reactions and compulsive behaviors there is less time available to properly be attentive to them.

Addicted families have very strict rules about discussing the family’s problems outside of the home. If any member of the family breaks this rule they will be viewed as a traitor to the family system and shamed or blamed by its members. Furthermore, if any member dares to confront the obvious problem of addiction or alcoholism in the family they will be shut down by other members who fear the chaos and conflict that such a confrontation will bring.
Out of fear all members of this family learn in one way or another to protect and hide the disease of addiction.

All members of an addicted family experience shame every day and the fear and humiliation of being judged on the behavior of their family system. Therefore, they usually wait in silence and hope for change as the disease of addiction progresses more and more. Family members adapt in many unique ways in order to survive in this system. Some member/s withdraw into their own private worlds spending lots of time on the computer, television or with media games while others may compete for the little love and attention that is available in or outside of this family system. In the absence of reliable parents, older siblings may become pseudo parents and attempt to provide the care and attention missing in the family system.
 
All members develop patterns of communication and behavior that is most likely to reduce stress and chaos in the family as much as possible. They are not free to express themselves for fear of triggering an emotional or physical consequences. All family members’ thoughts and feelings become so disguised with behaviors, attitudes and defense mechanisms designed simply to enable them to survive emotionally and some times physically another day. They walk around their home, work and schools on egg shells never knowing what exactly to expect or when to expect it. They never know what condition or mood the alcohol or drug abuser will be in when they come home nor how the other family members will be affected or react to it.  The family operates around trying to manage the unmanageable disease of addiction.

All family members are reduced to performing based on the latest crisis or preparing for the unknown. They become masters at performing in order to gain recognition or a sense of value regardless of their dreams and aspirations. This manifests in behaviors that become very confusing but the origin of them is to disguise the instability and recieve some attention and recognition in life. As a result, family members lose any sense of who they are or what they want to be. These performances become a life long journey for those who do not seek professional help.
Family members affected by an alcohol or drug abuser usually will avoid sharing thoughts and feelings with each other that could lead to emotional pain. Therefore, they avoid real conversations about the problems related to the addiction. Sometimes this is a futile attempt at protecting each other as they share some moments of peace. However, this further reinforces the dynamic of denial in the family system. This causes children and adults to further question their own sense of logic and deny their own feelings of fear and hopelessness. This cycle will continue as the emotions within each member become more and more overwhelming and eventually manifests in an emotional breakdown or get “acted out” through impulsive behaviors. 
 
In families where one or more members is addicted to drugs physically, mentally or emotionally family members only learn to survive and perform they do not learned how to manage emotions, fears and impulses in healthy ways which are fundamental components and necessities in life. Thus, these families become systems for manufacturing and perpetuating compulsive unhealthy emotionally unstable individuals. Many of these members will experience their own struggles eventually, with addiction, obesity, behavioral problems, academic problems and relationship problems without getting help. These individuals will never have learned how to maintain a family in a balanced, relaxed, trusting supportive loving environment. The norm for these family members becomes chaos and anxiety and they will unknowingly create such in their future relationships with the outside world to feel comfortable.

Unfortunately many times the guilt and shame that these family members experienced and their prolonged denial of the truth keeps them  forever in a defensive mode of operation which prevents them from reaching out for or accepting any professional help.